Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! I’m fixin to go down the road a piece … That’s right down the road to New Orleans, where I’m a headin’ before the week is out.  With some help from my cracker boyfriend, Glossophilia has drug up a southern phrasebook that’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt. But if this don’t get your fire started, your wood’s wet …

(And if you have more hillbillyisms to add to the comments section, I’ll be happy as a dead pig in the sunshine…)

He’s …
so tall if he fell down he’d be halfway home
so bad he whups his own ass twice a week
so useless if he had a third hand he’d need an extra pocket to stick it in.
so full of shit his eyes are brown
so rich he buys a new boat when he gets the other one wet.
so buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.
so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel
so ugly he’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
so skinny he’d have to stand up twice to cast a shadow.
so ugly he’s gotta sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
so tall he could hunt geese with a rake.
so clumsy he’d trip over a cordless phone.
so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.
so ugly, his face would turn sweet milk to clabber.

She’s …
as windy as a sack full of farts.
as dumb as a bag of hammers/rocks
as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle
about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.
as useless as a bent dick dog.
as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
about as useful as a football bat.
as dumb as a soup sandwich.
as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees.
about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

He’s …
busier than a cat buryin’ shit on a marble floor.
slicker than pig snot on a radiator.
madder than a wet hen.
crazier than a shithouse rat.
busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.
busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.
crooked’er than a $3 bill.
tougher than a two dollar steak.
meaner than a junkyard dog.
happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
busier than a one-eyed cat watching two rat holes.
busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin’ contest.
higher than a Georgia pine.
faster than a bell clapper in a goose’s ass.
madder than a wet hen in a tote sack.
happier than a dog with two peters.
dizzier/drunker than a bessy bug.
lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.
slicker’n owl shit.
tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

He’s…
busy as a cat on a hot tin roof.
drunk as Cooter Brown.
happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
knee-high to a grasshopper.
dumb as a bucket of rocks.
crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
full as a tick.
nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

She’s hot as a two dollar pistol.

It’s hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch.
It’s hotter than a four-balled tomcat.
It’s hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sack.
It’s cold as a well digger’s ass in January.
It’s colder than a cast iron outhouse on Christmas day.
It’s cold enough to hang meat in here.
It’s colder than Digger O’Dell, the friendly undertaker.

I’m…
sweatin’ like a whore in church.
shakin’ like a hound-dog trying to shit a peach pit.
so hungry my belly thinks my throat’s been cut.

I feel like I’ve been rode hard and hung up to dry / hung up wet.
I feel like the last pea at pea-time.
I’m feeling as low as a toad in a dry well.
I gotta piss so bad my eyeballs are floatin’.
I gotta piss like a race horse.

He…
doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
don’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.
don’t know shit from shinola. (a brand of shoe polish)
couldn’t find his own ass with both hands stuck in his back pockets.
didn’t know whether to shit or go blind so he winked his right eye and farted.
doesn’t know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.
ain’t got the good sense God gave a goose.
ain’t worth the salt in his bread.
don’t got all what belongs to him.
wouldn’t throw rice at a wedding.
couldn’t carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.
wouldn’t pay a dime to see a pissant pull a freight train.

His elevator don’t go all the way to the top.
He’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
If leather were brains, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.
Somebody beat him with the ugly stick.

She…
could fall into a barrel of shit and come out smelling like roses.
could start an argument in an empty house.
could make a preacher cuss.
has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm.

She’s…
got champagne taste and a beer pocketbook.
got a face like 9-days of bad weather.

He could tear up a railroad track with a rubber hammer.
He’s grinning like a possum eating a sweet potato.
He’s runnin’ like a scalded haint.

Fine as frog’s hair split four ways.
Harder than Chinese arithmetic.
Slower than molasses running uphill in January.
Flatter than a gander’s arch.

Quit goin’ around your ass to get to your elbow.
Put wishes in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.
Don’t go off with your pistol half cocked.

I’ll knock you so hard you’ll see tomorrow today.
I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.
I’ll knock you into the middle of next week looking both ways for Sunday.
I’m gonna cream yo’ corn.

I bought it for a song and you can sing it yourself.
That makes about as much sense as tits on a boar.
I had to go around my elbow to get to my thumb.
Enough money to burn a wet mule.
If I tell you a duck can pull a truck, then shut up and hook the sucker up.
I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
Wadn’t nothin’ between him and the Lord but a smile.
That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
All hat, no cattle.
Look what the cat drug in.
That wall is all catawampus.
If that don’t get your fire started, your wood’s wet.
Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.
If assholes were airplanes then this place would be an airline.
It’s like trying to get fly shit off a pinhead with boxing gloves on.
I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then.
Ain’t nothin’ open after 12am but the hospital and legs.
If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass when he jumped.
Opinions are like assholes, some are just louder and smellier than others.
I’m fixin’ to go down the road a piece.
If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.
We better git on the stick.

Gad night a livin’!
Well, I’ll just swaney!
Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
Well, slap my head and call me silly!