“Rocket Man”, “Lyin’ Ted”, “Crooked Hillary”, “Crazy Bernie”, “Pocahontas”: These are just a few of the many monikers that — having been thrown in the faces of his political rivals and personal nemeses since climbing into his little political sandbox — have earned 45 his only rather dubious oratory honor: that of being President of Nicknames. But, Mr. Don John, it works both ways …

Yesterday, Georgetown professor Michael Eric Dyson, speaking at the funeral of Aretha Franklin, lambasted the “orange apparition” for having the nerve and temerity to claim that the Queen of Soul had once worked for him. “You lugubrious leech, you dopey doppelgänger of deceit and deviance, you lethal liar, you dimwitted dictator, you foolish fascist.” That’s how Mr Dyson addressed POTUS in his eulogy. Here’s an A to Z* of other name-pies — alliterative, uncannily descriptive, and just downright witty — that have been thrown in the face of our reigning Cheese Doodle by celebrated and even distinguished members of the media and public figures of note. Sic and cited.

(*missing only J for Joker, N for Nobody, Q for QLF – pardon my French, and X, Y, Z for End Game)

Nicknames bestowed by media figures:

70-Year-Old Toddler: Charles M. Blow and Samantha Bee on Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

America’s Black Mole: John Oliver on Last Week Tonight

Angry Creamsicle: Stephen Colbert on The Late Show

Barbarian at the Debate: Charles M. Blow

Boiled Ham in a Wig: Jon Stewart on The Axe Files

Butternut Squash: Trevor Noah on The Daily Show

Captain Chaos: NBC News

Cheez Doodle: Maureen Dowd

Cheez Whiz: John Oliver on Last Week Tonight

Creep Throat: Seth Meyers on Late Night with Seth Meyers

Decomposing Jack O’Lantern: Jon Stewart

Donald the Deadbeat: Dan Rather

El Caudillo del Mar-A-Lago: Charles P. Pierce, Esquire

Erotically Incontinent Libertine: Michelle Goldberg

Financially Embattled Thousandaire: Gail Collins

[along with his leaky administration]: Flock of Felons: Dan Rather

The Fomentor: Trevor Noah on The Daily Show

F**kface von Clownstick: Jon Stewart

Gaslighter in Chief: Frida Ghitis, CNN

Godzilla, with Less Foreign Policy Experience: Stephen Colbert, The Late Show

Gossamer-Skinned Bully: Graydon Carter

Groper-in-Chief: Nicholas Kristof

Herr Lugenpresse: Dan Rather

The Human Bullhorn: Jim Newell, Slate

Idiot of The Black House: Al Qaeda

Immigrant-Bashing Carnival Barker: TIME magazine (quoting presidential candidate Martin O’Malley)

King of the Oompa Loompas: Justin Baragona

King of the Whoppers: USA Today

Man-Baby: Jon Stewart

The Michelangelo of Ballyhoo: David Von Drehle, TIME

Orange Manatee: Stephen Colbert, The Late Show

Pee Brain: New York Daily News

President Spanky: Stephen Colbert

Rabble-Rousing Demagogue: John Cassidy, The New Yorker

Riptide of Regression: Dan Rather

Short-fingered vulgarian: Graydon Carter and Kurt Andersen, Spy magazine

Silver Spoon Scion: Charles M. Blow

The Sophomoric Sniveler: Charles M. Blow

Toddler Psychopath: John Oliver

Trumparius: Nate Silver

Trumpdozer: TIME 

Two-Bit Caesar: Bill Kristo

The White Kanye: Bill Maher

 

Nicknames bestowed by celebrities and public figures:

Cheeto Jesus: Rick Wilson

Chicken Donald: Martin O’Malley

Citrus Golem: Jemaine Clement

Daft Twerp: Nick Soames, Churchill’s grandson

Dangerous Donald: Hillary Clinton

Diaper Donald: Kevin Cavanaugh

Dishonest Don: Neil J. Young

Don the Con: Michael Avenatti

Donny Moscow: Rob Hoadley

Draft Dodger: Don C. Reed

Golden Wrecking Ball: Sarah Palin

The Great Spewdini: Jim Carrey

Kremlin (or Putin) Asset : James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence

Lady Fingers Trump: Don C. Reed

Last Year’s Rotting Halloween Pumpkin: former President of Mexico, Vincente Fox

Liberal Wannabe Strongman: David McIntosh

Lord Voldemort: Rosie O’Donnell

Mr. Brexit: Donald J. Trump [inexplicably]

Mr. Macho: Bernie Sanders

Our Baby-in-Chief: Robert De Niro

President Breaking Wind: Sir Ian McKellen

Prince Trumperdink: Carey Elwes

Cheeto Benito: (many of) the people of the United States of America

***

For Loretta